In a surprise move this afternoon, the Washington Running Club Reserve Bank (WRC-RB) lowered key interest rates on oxygen debt and unilaterally raised aerobic thresholds for its entire membership, effective immediately. The LetsRun.com Bourse was caught unprepared for this development, and gossip volumes ticked upwards.

The bank’s Board of Governors explained their decision as a “necessary, direct, and proportional response” to the grave dangers posed by the painful Sequester, including furloughs, excess free time spent aimlessly loafing between coffee shops and watering holes, an increased access to daylight, and other miscellaneous forms of obstructionism.

The Board further justified today’s decision by noting the rapidly widening gulf in performance between serious runners and all other known human populations. They cited a freakish week, when both a living Pope and all 538 Congressional members simply gave up, traded their magical red loafers and gold rings for flip-flops and red-cups, and caught the first direct flight for Daytona’s Beach Week and Fact Finding Junket Mission.

“None of them can even tweet! Cause, like, they all lost their iPhones at the same dive bar last night,” exclaimed one unnamed source familiar with the bank’s policy maneuver.

WRC members are already capitalizing on this stimulus by hoarding excess miles, with the promise of reaping stable annuities throughout the 2013 Grand Prix season.

Still feeling fresh from their early gains at the George Washington Birthday Classic 10K, Christine Hackman (47:58, 10K) and Drew Killian (39:21, 10K), are roaring into March, which holds the St. Patrick’s Day 8K and the Rock ‘n’ Roll USA Half Marathon (& Marathon). There, they will be joined by their fellow clubmates, and bound by the twinned spirits of competition and collaboration which mark running as a great sport—and WRC as a compelling club, holding strong at its center.